Intricate Chaos

Okay, only one day late… not too bad!  I promised to update everyone on our OB appointment Wednesday, so here you go:

WE ARE GOING TO BE INDUCED ON WEDNESDAY, JULY 21ST!!!!!

The doctor said that I still don’t have a lot going on (as far as dilation and effacement are concerned), but he’s ready to get things moving.  Between my raised blood pressure (160/72… yikes!) and the size of baby (we are nearing 8 1/2 pounds already), I think that he’s probably thinking that baby is done cooking. 

I’m so relieved.  I’m really very done with this whole pregnancy bit…

Sometimes I start to let other moms make me feel bad for feeling this way about pregnancy,  but I honestly don’t believe that this journey was one that was meant to make a woman feel good about herself.  It is amazing to me that we are able to grow humans inside of our bodies for 9 entire months, and then bring them into this world in a way which seems to be completely unnatural–I have so much respect for the process–but really, it has not been enjoyable.  And I think that if most moms were to think back on it and be completely honest with themselves, perhaps they would agree as well.  Then again, maybe I’ll be one of those moms who bitched about being pregnant for nine months and then missed it when it was over.  I don’t imagine that will be the case, but I suppose it’s possible.  LOL

Anyhow, back to the exciting stuff… we are so anxious for next week to get here.  We have another appointment on Tuesday just so the doctor can make sure we are definitely okay to be induced, and then we have a 7:00 am appointment at the hospital to get the ball rolling.  The crazy thing is, my dear friend who is also pregnant (due yesterday, God bless her!) is being induced at the same hospital 24 hours before me.  So, provided neither of us has a baby over the weekend, we’ll be hospital buddies! 

My sister and her friend are coming to visit today to help me get the house cleaned up and ready for baby to come home.  I am so grateful!  My mom plans to visit Sunday to help me with last minute stuff and bring me some dinners for those first weeks.  Again, SO grateful!  Monday will be my last day at work, and then–ta da!–BABY!!!  I’m getting so excited–and so is Jeff.  It makes me silly happy to see him so in love with a little person he’s never even met!!

I can’t wait to share some pictures with everyone (and possibly even some video if I can figure it out!  )  I’ll keep you all posted…

XOXOXO

I couldn’t resist re-posting this here.  My dear friend Katie sent me to this site, and this bit of inspiration really spoke to my heart:

“Sometimes the most progressive ideas are the oldest and simplest, the ones that took place 100 years ago, when no one saw anything revolutionary about them at all.  Today there are so many parenting options, so many ways to feed, clothe and care for our children.  Many spring from media moguls and business tycoons, others are born in laboratories and research centers.  In the midst of all these high tech, color coordinated, safety tested, pediatrician recommended options, the most radical choice can be to simply say, “No thanks.”  

When we trust our intuition, and look within, rather than to external sources for the answers, we will often find that the simplest solutions are best.  Why feed our babies deconstructed, vitamin-fortified, puffed cereals when we can simply cook up some nice, hot oatmeal, vitamins all intact?  Do we really need an entire car seat/carrier/stroller system that makes it entirely possible to go hours at a time without ever touching your baby?  Hold that sweet babe tight to your breast, wrapped in a simple cloth as millions of mothers have done before!  The latest parenting books urge us to let our babies “cry it out,” when every cell in our body tells us to fold them into our arms and soothe them to sleep.  Listen to your body!  Forget the cribs, the baby food, the play pens.  We women have been doing this for eons.  Choose to follow the examples of our pioneer forbears;  live simply, live close to the earth and close to your loved ones.

There is a line of reasoning called Occam’s razor that states that when faced with multiple theories, the simplest answer is usually the correct one.  So it is with mothering, and life in general.  When all the world is turning to the latest gadget, the latest expert advice, the latest health fad, we can pioneer the way back to our roots, back to simplicity.”

–From http://www.progressivepioneer.com/progressive-pioneer/what-is-a-.html

So, we had that sonogram I talked about in my last post almost two weeks ago (I know… I’m really starting to suck at this “updating” thing!), and just as we had imagined, this kid is getting big!  If you remember, the June 4th sonogram showed the baby at approximately 5 pounds 3 ounces.  Well this sonogram on July 2nd showed the baby weighing approximately 7 pounds 3 ounces!  That’s exactly the half pound per week they are supposed to gain at this point, so that is a good sign, but I’m beginning to wonder how he or she is going to get out!  The sonogram is not completely accurate though, and could be off by as much as a pound in either direction (cross your fingers for the lower end of that range, please!!).  My blood pressure is still down from where it was, so praises for that!

All in all, I suppose I’m doing pretty well, but to be honest, I’m really quite ready to have the baby.  We finally got our basement finished (woo hoo!!) meaning we finally have the nursery put together (even bigger woo hoo!!).  I am in that final “nesting” stage of pregnancy, and it makes me feel good to know that we’re close enough for me to feel this way.  I’ve been having mild contractions since Friday (we had another OB appointment… I’ll spare you the details) and we go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon.  Please say a prayer that we are making progress.  As of Friday, I had not even begun to dilate, so I’m hoping for just a centimeter or two… I need some encouragement!  I’m still two and a half weeks out from my due date, but as of Saturday, baby is officially “cooked.”  There are, of course, benefits to carrying a full 40 weeks, but I’m relieved to know that if we met him or her today s/he would be a-okay.

I am going to do my best to update tomorrow after our appointment, but as you can see from recent trends, there’s a possibility it might not happen.    As always,  I appreciate all the support I’m getting from friends and family, and I can’t wait to share those first moments and pictures with the world!  I read a very encouraging birth story today on parenting.com that has given me a sense of “I can do this!” when I have been feeling for so long like I couldn’t.  I’m ready to get this show on the road, and Jeff is begging for a turn to hold the baby, since I have been hogging it for 9 months! 

I always think it’s funny, that on any given day there are a dozen or so moments where I think “hmm, I should blog about that” but a computer just isn’t handy… and then when I actually sit down to write, I can’t think of anything to say.  I think I’m struggling with finding anything of value to say.  What if you are all sick of hearing about my mood swings and swollen extremities?  Who cares how tired I am or how fat I’ve gotten?  I am just so ready to have this baby so you all have something cute to look at!

But really, life is good.  We went back to the doctor last Friday and my blood pressure is down quite a bit.  It was so comforting to hear the numbers!  He scheduled another sonogram for next Friday to check on how big Baby is getting.  S/he sure is active these days!  It is amazing to be able to feel my tummy and know what part of the baby I’m touching.  I know the head is where it’s supposed to be… in the most uncomfortable place ever!  Baby’s butt is sitting right under my left lung and the spine obviously follows.  You can see feet moving around under my right lung if you watch patiently, and every once in a while I get jabbed by an elbow somewhere around the belly button.  It still amazes me.

We had our second baby shower weekend before last and it was such a good time!  So many friends came to celebrate with me–many I hadn’t seen in far too long.  We played silly games and laughed way too much!  Now, I have about 4 loads of baby laundry to do and my living room looks like a day care… it’s beginning to feel real.  What am I saying?  It’s been pretty darn real for a while!  It is starting to feel close though!

Hubby has managed to nearly complete the basement remodel, and I couldn’t be more excited!  The walls got a good coat of primer last weekend, and this weekend it’s PAINT, PAINT, PAINT!  We picked out a beautiful cream color for the main walls, with a darker brown to be used on the bottom half of three walls.  We also have a gorgeous copper color that will go behind a shelving unit and on one small wall in a recessed area where the computer will sit.  I seriously can’t wait to have it done!  After this, all that’s left is carpet (for the time being–trim and detail work will come later, when there’s not a baby on the way) and we will have either Lowe’s or Home Depot come install it.  ALMOST THERE!!!

Oh!  One other thing I think a few of you might enjoy:  Pictures!  My brother did a mini-maternity shoot when we were home for the baby shower, and these three are my favorites.  Enjoy!

It’s currently 5:15 am and I have been awake for more than an hour now.  What gives?  I guess this is baby’s way of teaching me to adapt to my soon-to-be schedule as a mommy.  I can’t help but think it would be easier to be awake so early if I had an adorable little baby to hold, though…

I think part of the reason I can’t sleep (aside from my ever-shrinking bladder and a complete inability to get comfortable) is that I have become so aware of the fact that I have less than two months before my due date.  I just keep thinking about all the things I need to get done between now and then.  And how little time two months really is.  I’m sure I will work it all out… I always do.  Plus, I am so very blessed with such a wonderful husband to help me with anything and everything.

We went to the doctor Monday with both Grandmas-to-be.  I had another ultrasound and my biweekly appointment.  I requested the ultrasound because at 19 weeks when I had my first one done they were unable to detect the kidneys, since kidneys don’t show until about 22 weeks.  The doctor wasn’t concerned, since there was amniotic fluid visible, but was I really going to pass up the chance to see my baby again?  I don’t think so!!   The tech was able to see so many amazing things, like the umbilical cord, and she was able to measure the baby and the amount of amniotic fluid.  Turns out there’s a lot of both!  At 32 weeks pregnant, Baby is weighing in at about 5.3 pounds.  This is terrifying to me.  Babies grow at a rate of about a half a pound each week at this point, so doing the math… we’re looking at about a 9.5 pound baby on D-day.  And that’s if s/he comes by the due date.  I’m kind of scared of my little monster!  Also, the doctor said I have a lot of amniotic fluid.  He’s not worried at this point, but there could be cause for concern in the weeks to come.  My blood pressure is higher than normal, but again, he’s not concerned just yet.  He did mention the possibility of bed rest toward the end here, and he also mentioned cesarean if Baby continues to grow the way s/he has been.  I know they measured the head circumference, but no one told me that number… probably on purpose!

We have another baby shower this weekend and I’m so excited about it.  I’m getting so anxious about Baby’s arrival.  We had our last childbirth preparation class last night, and we were able to tour the maternity ward during class.  We have chosen to deliver at St. Francis and we were really impressed with the rooms.  The hospital staff seems really great, also.

I suppose that now that it’s 5:30 I ought to make the most of this morning and get some things done if I’m not going to sleep… the dishes are piling up something fierce!  I hope you have a great day!  XOXO

Here we are, another week come and gone, and another week closer to d-day.  I am seriously anxious at this point.  Tomorrow marks 32 weeks, meaning we’ve only got somewhere around 8 weeks to go.  I’ve never felt a summer so hot, and it’s only the first week of June.  Maybe baby will come a little early

Last weekend we had our first baby shower.  It was so wonderful!  Jeff grew up going to Truman Lake every weekend, and all the people that live near his lake house are pretty much family.  They threw us an amazing party.  Jeff’s mom’s best friend Sue had a brilliant idea for a baby shower keepsake:  she passed out 12-inch fabric squares and fabric markers and had everyone draw a picture and write a note to the baby.  Now, she’s taking all those squares to a woman she knows who will quilt them all together.  I loved it!  Baby got some pretty awesome gifts, and we all ate way too much.  Overall, it was a great weekend.  It was wonderful to see so many friends I don’t get to see very often and spend the weekend relaxing in the sun.  It was the first time we could all get in the lake on Memorial Day and not freeze to death… the water was a cool 76 degrees.  Not bad at all!

This week has pretty much just disappeared.  I feel like I’ve been trying to find an extra 5 minutes since we got home on Monday and here we are on Friday night with my first tiny bit of free time.  I’m glad that we have stuff to do, but I’m needing a break!

We went to our second childbirth prep class on Wednesday.  We will go to our last one next week.  I’m really enjoying them.  You know, aside from the scary videos and all the “what-if’s” that they have to warn you about.  The whole episiotomy bit scares the crap out of me.  All I want is for baby to be healthy, and if that means a tremendous amount of pain for me, I think it’s worth it.  Of course, I wouldn’t object to them meeting me in the parking lot for my epidural!  LOL

I really don’t have much else in the way of updates.  I hope to post some pictures of the nursery soon, and as many of you, I’m sure, have noticed… it’s about time for another belly picture.  If you haven’t already seen it, I did create a separate page for pregnancy photos, listed under the menu to the right, so when I finally get around to some pictures, I’ll post them there.  My right leg is still numb, and now I’ve pulled a muscle in my left side, so sleeping is getting to be a chore but it’s much needed these days.  Doctor prescribed me some serious rest time for this weekend, so that’s where I’ll be!  I hope you have a fantastic weekend, and maybe my next post won’t be so long from now!

Goodness!  Another two weeks has gone by, and here I am, finally, to post some more ramblings. 

Baby things are starting to get so exciting these days.  With only two months left, baby showers and things are beginning to take place, and it’s just so much fun!  (Also, I have had several people ask me about baby registries, so for those of you who are wondering, we are registered at Amazon.com, Babies R Us, and Target.)  I have been having a lot of strangers in the grocery store and odd places asking me when I’m due, so I guess it’s starting to look like Baby is on the way!   I actually had a woman in the elevator at work last week ask when I was due, and when I said July 31st she said, “Oh!  So you’re having twins?!”   No, actually, I’m not, but thanks for making me feel like a cow anyway!  People are funny.

What else can I tell you?  Oh!  The joys of sciatica.  So, I guess the baby is sitting on a nerve or something, and two Wednesdays ago I suddenly had a tingling pain in my right leg.  It kind of felt like my leg was asleep, but waking up, you know… the “pins and needles” feeling?  Well, I thought it would go away.  No.  Still here.  The entire right side of my right thigh and half of the front of my right thigh is somewhere between numb and on fire.  For almost two weeks now.  No fun.  I think it’s practice, though.  I mean, it wakes me every couple hours all night… just like Baby will do in a couple months.  

I am so excited to find out whether I’m carrying a baby boy or a baby girl.  Most everyone says it’s a boy.  My dad and my grandma think it’s a girl, but they are really the only ones.  To be honest, I don’t really have any particular notion.  I feel like I should, being the mommy and all.  If I’m leaning any direction, it’s boy, but I will be happy either way.

I honestly don’t have much else to tell you about… I promise to try to be better about posting   Love you all <3

Goodness gracious!  2 weeks since my last post!?  I’ve been having a hard time making time for me lately…

So, we left off with mood swings?  Yeah, not much has changed on that front.  Ha!  Let’s move on… I think mood swings are just an understood piece of the pregnancy puzzle.

A lot has been going on lately, between getting ready for Baby, growing bigger each day, trying to keep up with housework and friends, and still making it to work each day.  I think that last one is the toughest challenge.  Around 1:00 every day I am so ready for a nap it’s unbelievable!  Most days I am able to fight through it, but I will confess that I have taken a couple half days to submit to this urge.

I am feeling like things are starting to come together, though.  I finally got us enrolled in some childbirth classes, so I can stop worrying about that a little bit.  My garden is alive and well, which makes me hopeful!  Each day I get more and more nervous about Baby’s arrival.  I’m sure every mother feels this way, but of course, since this is completely internal, I’m kind of freaking out.  I cry to Jeff pretty often about my fears of completely screwing up this kiddo.  I’m pretty sure, though, that anywhere I lack he will make up for by about 200%.  He’s the best.  He almost has our basement refinished so we can start moving the “office” to the basement and that room can become a full time nursery.  Right now it’s just a full time disaster.  Ha!  We started demo on the basement in the beginning of January, and while we are a full 5 months into this project, I am proud to say that we have had to hire 0% of this project so far!  Between Jeff’s Dad (who knows a little bit about everything there is to know about construction), his Uncle Ron (the Drywall Master), and his Grandpa (Electrician Extraordinaire) we have managed to get the entire thing done for under $1,000 and without any hired help.  It looks so amazing already.  All that’s left is sanding, one more coat of mud and another light sanding, painting, and carpet (which we will hire to have done).  I truly cannot wait to begin decorating the nursery.

This past weekend, my very dear friend Ginny came to visit me, and that was so wonderful!  I love spending time with her and just hate not being able to do so more often!!  Luckily I get to see her twice more in the next month.  Our friend Jon came to visit on Sunday and went with Jeff to the Skillet concert.  I wanted to go so bad, and I’m sad I missed it, but I wasn’t going to risk a rowdy crowd and the potential of me and Baby getting hurt.  I’m glad the boys got to go–they had so much fun!  I stayed home with the Furry Kids and Sunday night sitcoms, so it wasn’t all bad.

I really wish that I had something exciting and insightful to blog about, but this is just going to have to do for now.  Maybe next time? 

I think it’s kind of funny that during the 9 months leading up to motherhood your body is going through so many changes and your emotions are so out of whack that you spend all this time feeling like a crazy person.  For me, this is kind of how it happened:

• June 2009– Me:  “Honey, let’s have a baby.”  Him:  “Okay.”
• December 2009– Me:  “Honey, we’re having a baby!!!!”  Him: “Oh my gosh, really?  YAY!!!”
• January-March 2010– Me: “Zzzzzzzz….”  Him: “It’s only 5:30… I guess I’ll go play COD.”
• April 2010– Me: “RAWR!!!!”  Him: “I’m sorry honey.  Whatever I did, I’m sorry. [tail between legs, creeping away quietly hoping I won't notice] I love you so very much… what can I do to help?”  Me:  “SHUT UP!!!! RAWR!!!!”

So pretty much, we are expecting this perfect little life in the end of July/beginning of August, and in preparation, I am more exhausted than I’ve ever been, incapable of even the simplest of tasks, and I am a total b!$@# for no reason.  Aren’t I supposed to be learning how to be nurturing and sensitive to the needs of others and all that?  And don’t I need to stay awake long enough to do things like prepare a nursery and clean the house?  I felt so prepared for motherhood… before I was pregnant.  And now that it’s on its way here, not only am I scared out of my mind, but I feel like I’m going to be this horrible monster of a mother.  It doesn’t help that all the blogs and forums on pregnancy are these perfect women who are so completely prepared for their bundle of joy and enjoying every second of their pregnancy.  I can’t shave my legs and it hurts to tie my shoes.  No, I’m not enjoying this.  Now, don’t get me wrong, that’s not to say that I would have chosen not to have a baby knowing all this.  I will still have more babies knowing all this.  I just think it would be nice if I could stumble upon some other twenty-something’s blog and hear her talking about biting off the heads of anyone who gets in her way, sweating so profusely that she keeps a stick of deodorant in her desk drawer, not being able to get out of bed without a painful moan that makes her husband ask if she’s okay, and getting up every hour to pee.  I know for a fact that I am not the only one experiencing these things.  Am I just the only one who isn’t sugar coating it for all those innocent bystanders?  If so, my [sarcastic] apologies.

It is almost amusing to me that I am feeling so many emotions all at once.  For example, I am currently:

• Really excited
• Really exhausted
• Annoyed with several people
• Annoying several others
• On the verge of tears
• About to crack up laughing
• Nauseous
• Hungry
• Did I mention exhausted?

Today, there was a guy at work talking to the lady that sits one cubicle over from me.  Now, just so you can get this picture, we are both in the reception area, so my wall is only half of a wall and it opens to the opening of her cubicle that is mostly half walls also.  So, this guy is having a conversation with her, and he starts to talk about printing some things to PDF.  He’s talking to me, and honestly, I know he’s talking to me, but I’m ignoring him anyway.  Then finally, because he’s not going to shut up, I say, “are you talking to me?” and he says, “well, I was…”  I say, “how was I supposed to know that?” and he goes, “well, I figured you could feel me staring at you.”  I immediately snapped back “all I can feel lately is a fetus kicking my bladder and more mood swings than I know what to do with.  Forgive me for not reading your freaking mind.”  Oops.  This is so not like me.  I mean, yes, I have an attitude and I can be pretty sassy, but I don’t bring that to work with me.  Not until pregnancy, anyway.   Not long after this exchange, one of the guys that I get along with pretty well (most of the time) who sits on the other side of my full size wall said something to me, and my rather loud response was “well that’s fan-f&@$!$%-tastic.”  I mean, we’re talking could-have-heard-me-at-least-five-cubicles-away loud. I’m going to be a mommy and I’m using words like f$@% at work??  Bad, Kylee!!

I wouldn’t change a moment of this journey, because quite frankly, it’s funny.  I may be miserable at times, and I may be so uncomfortable I can’t sleep, but it’s all part of the deal and we’ll have stories to tell later.  I love you all.  Thanks for sticking around.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

–Chinese proverb

I have so many words to describe this past week, but none of them are the one I’m looking for.  This week has been an emotional roller coaster, full of ups-and-downs, somewhat stressful, and completely emotional… somewhat irrational, somewhat broken, full of action… What’s the word for that?  I probably forgot it… ha!  They call it “pregnancy brain”… I call it annoying   But really and truly, the past week has been a whirlwind.  And the strange part of it all is that it was just a giant mix of little things… nothing overly dramatic or outrageous.  Just enough to stir me up.

For example, today I have my first appointment with my new obstetrician’s office.  I’m not going to say anything bad about the office I am transferring from, but just to put things in perspective, I have never done this before.  I am pretty patient, and the only time I ever switch doctors is when I move away from one.  The funny part is this:  I am feeling guilty for leaving.  Explain that one.  I don’t like the care I’m receiving so I decide to transfer… and then I feel guilty??  I can’t say I’m surprised at myself.  It’s just slightly inconvenient to feel this way.

I am finally feeling better since the last time I posted on here.  I guess the kidney stones passed… or that it was something completely different and it’s over now.  I don’t know.  I never got any answers.  I do know that I am thankful for the relief that comes with not feeling constant pain.  I am also thankful that I finally found enough energy to clean my hardwood floors last night.  Spring is fantastic, and it brings beautiful weather, but it also brings the desire to open the windows and that causes a ridiculous amount of dust.  Not to mention the pets shedding their winter coats.  I think I swept up a small kitten last night… a small, dirty kitten

I’ve also been emotionally stirred up this week in regard to faith and, dare I say, “Christianity.”  Please don’t read that the wrong way… I consider myself a Christian… I put it in quotes because of my confusion on the entire subject.  I have been feeling… guilty?… lately about not going to church.  And I’ve been realizing that, while church is an important part of the Christian faith, it isn’t necessarily the place you are most likely to meet God.  I have been meeting Him lots of places…my garden, the baby’s room, my art room… but church is not one of them.  I’m not sure why this is.  I feel like every time I walk into a church I am weighted down with heavy steel armor and a giant shield.  I have had a number of negative experiences related to church families and trust, and perhaps those things have conditioned me not to trust people who wear their label out in the open.  Lately I have felt like the people who I have been “friends” with from church were only “friends” between 9:30 and 11:00 on Sunday mornings.  Maybe that is wrong of me to say, but it’s how I feel.

I have also been struggling with “judgment.”  I, like most of us, have been on both sides of this evil emotion, the one passing judgment and the one being judged.  It’s just been showing itself more lately.  I have struggled a lot with stereotypes lately, and I find myself using the word “typical” to describe people I don’t even know because they share a trait or two with someone else whom I have already formed an opinion about.  I am realizing this more and more.  And I’m realizing it a lot when I’m driving.  The most annoying part is that I’m most irritated by the people who are doing something I do often.  It is said that we hate most in others those things we hate in ourselves.  I need to learn to be more open minded.  But what does that look like?  And why do these things always have to hurt so much more when you share blood with those people?

I apologize for my somewhat somber post.  It’s just no so much a “happy” day for me.  Maybe tomorrow will be better, and I’ll try this again.    If you managed to get through all of this, thank you for “listening.”  I just needed these toxins out so I could focus on some happier things.